Clueless Gamer here – it’s time to follow up to last week’s review of Cracked’s guide to the 20 Worst NES Games ever made and see just how awesome the #19 spot is with Bible Adventures for the NES.
Wow! Three games in one! This is the things that dreams are made of! Speaking of dreams, I was really hoping for a part two to this journey through the Old Testament – maybe I should save my ideas for the developers of this classic cart!
The first game I attempted was Noah’s Ark. For those of you that don’t know, Noah, was a guy that built this massive boat in a time when it didn’t rain! If you’ve seen the movie Noah’s Ark, ever been to a Sunday School class, or have breathed ever, you most likely have heard of this faithful servant of God.
In order to get the animals onto the ark, you have to pick them up and hold them aloft, then hop, climb, run, and also avoid being hit by other animals – pretty easy to play. Let’s be honest for a second though – Noah seems very spry for a man who’s just spent a lifetime building the first luxury cruise-liner.
I eventually succumbed to wine and animals running into me (but really a good home brew beer and my lack of interest) and decided to go and see what I could do for baby Moses.
Moses – a man of epic wonder in the bible. He attributed with writing a majority of the “Book of Law” or Talmud that tells the story of the birth of the people of Israel. Sadly, Moses is indeed a wee little baby just trying to avoid getting killed by the mean old Pharaoh and his band of evil spider bugs. You must pick up and carry (similar to Noah…) the baby and save him from being killed.
I found this game a little trickier due to the guards also being able to jump, but thankfully not carry things, and that there are spring loaded launchers that send Moses and his caretaker flying toward the warp zone – oh – wait…that is another game…
Finally, just to give this cartridge more than just a fair shake, I saw David and Goliath. Finally. Something that the OT is really known for – bloodshed! I thought surely David would be able to pull a Mortal Kombat-esque move and chop off Goliath’s head with his own sword (yes that really happens in the bible…look it up) but sadly, this was the most sheepish of all the games.
David must return to his shepherding roots and save his sheep. There are squirrels throwing acorns, lions munching, rams…well…ramming, and a plethora of things to just avoid. No sign of Goliath, no sign of Saul chasing David around trying to kill him, just exciting sheep herding 101.
All in all – I’d most likely play this game again – I’d like to save Moses at least and see exactly how the animals pass time on the ark (it is a floating animal prison right?) and hopefully see David strut around in some new fleece wear for the fall fashion lineup in Jerusalem.
Until NES Time!, Clueless Gamer