For those amongst our readership who enjoy a good slice of nostalgia with their cup of tea, you’re in for a treat today. That’s because today’s review isn’t just another C64 game from the days of yore, it’s game based on one of the best-loved children’s TV shows from the ’80s!
If you were growing up in Britain during this time then you must almost certainly be aware of John Cunliffe’s stop-motion animated series, Postman Pat, shown regularly on BBC television. Set amongst the lush pastures and rolling hills of rural Yorkshire, the series recounts the adventures of Pat Clifton, mailman extraordinaire as he delivers letters and parcels to the residents of the fictional village of Greendale. Pat and his long-standing companion, a black and white cat named Jess, would get themselves into all kinds of scrapes and jolly japes along the way in a show that was good, wholesome entertainment for kids!
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The series was (and remains) a big hit with young audiences everywhere, resulting in a huge range of merchandise and paraphernalia over the years. In addition to the usual lunchboxes and backpacks, I even had a ring-toss game that featured a foot-high board with a picture of Pat painted on it. The objective was to throw a set of black, rubber rings over the end of Pat’s nose, his prolonged proboscis earning players the highest number of points on the board! In short, the Postman Pat franchise was a lucrative money-spinner and it should come as no surprise that it became a prime target for software publishers and developers looking to cash in.
The license was acquired by Alternative Software, a developer-publisher that made a name for itself by developing games based on well-known cartoon and television intellectual properties. Predominantly a player in the budget software market, I think it’s a fair assessment to say that the quality of Alternative’s games was inconsistent, ranging from pretty decent to lacklustre. Whilst other developers might create budget games that punched well above their weight, Alternative’s efforts were always relatively middling affairs and boasting production values typically associated with budget software and Postman Pat is a typical example.
The objective of the game is to help Pat make it through the working day, delivering parcels and letters to the various residents of Greendale. Viewed from a top-down perspective, the player is tasked with navigating Pat’s (notoriously wobbly) delivery van through the tight, meandering country lanes, avoiding obstacles and various hazards littering the roads.
Before Pat can begin delivering parcels, he must first find his way to the local Post Office, where Mrs. Goggins, the local post mistress, will issue Pat with a list of deliveries he needs to take care of. These involve taking a parcel to one of Greendale’s residents, dropping it off, then returning to the Post Office for a nice, hot cup of tea. All of this must be done against the clock, with a time limit of 60 minutes counting down before the game ends.
The other thing to bear in mind is that there is no in-game map to help you navigate (sat nav wasn’t even a thing when this was released). This means you’ll need to learn the road layout and how each screen connects to the others, as well as the residencies of the villagers if you’re to complete all your deliveries before time runs out.
Occasionally, Pat will be asked to run an errand by the person he’s handed the parcel to. This might involve helping Peter Fogg round up his sheep, or collecting Miss Hubbard’s prescription from the local doctor (I think I’ll try asking my postie to pick up my prescription next time I’m feeling a pit peaky and see what he says).
As well as delivering parcels, Pat will also need to deliver a number of letters to houses in the village. Buildings awaiting a letter are signified by a flashing envelope outside, and Pat, who must have some kind of special, mail-spewing cannon fitted to the sides of his vehicle, must jettison a letter into the letter box as he drives past. Miss the target and and poor old Pat will have to get out and reclaim the letter.
For those of you who played this game back in the day, I’m certain that the thing you’ll remember the most are the driving controls, which are ridiculously frustrating!
Pat’s van can only turn at 90 degree angles, which makes navigation pretty tricky, especially since the roads are pretty narrow to begin with. It’s also impossible to change direction once you’ve already initiated a turn; turn left and you can’t change your mind and decide to go right instead. To make things even harder, the joystick direction to accelerate/reverse changes relative to the direction that the van is facing. When not facing in the same direction, it will try to turn the van around to face the direction you just pressed. For some reason this control scheme just seems completely incompatible with what your brain expects to happen and you’ll spend the first 30 minutes or so crashing into things and swearing loudly. With enough training the control scheme does start to become more manageable, resulting in you navigating as many as 2 or 3 screens before pile-driving the van into a yet another dry stone wall.
As you might expect, colliding with a building or coming off the road will result in Pat writing off his van and having to get a new one from the garage. With only 2 spare vans, this makes things pretty difficult, especially with so many deliveries to make.
Compounding problems with the van’s pernickety controls are the pools of mud that collect in random locations in the various country roadways, causing the van to lurch to one side when driven through and threatening to propel it into the nearest wall. Perhaps the most infuriating thing about this particular mechanic is when the game decides to spawn a patch of mud right outside the post office. Pat must be on foot to enter a building, but he will only leave the vehicle when parked in a very specific area, which is usually where the mud puddle is currently coagulating! You’ll find yourself losing precious seconds as you continually reverse and advance forwards at a snail-like pace, trying to park the van in the correct spot, only to skid and be forced to realign the vehicle all over again!
If you can get to grips with the wretched driving controls then you might actually enjoy the game for the short amount of time that it lasts. Complete all deliveries and the game simply loops, forcing Pat back on the road to make endless deliveries in some kind of Hellish, postal purgatory.
In terms of visuals, the presentation is somewhat variable in quality. The way Pat’s van appears to wobble from side to side as it chugs along is a nice touch and the artwork tries to capture some of the essence of a small Yorkshire village in the Dales, but none of the Greendale residents appear to have any facial features whatsoever, appearing as little more than pink, sausage-faced homunculi: look closely and you’ll notice that Mrs Goggins looks more like squat she-golem tucked behind the post office counter.
Although the game appears to be devoid of sound effects (I didn’t note any keys to choose between music/effects), Barry Leitch has you covered with an accurate, if annoyingly repetitive rendition of the TV show’s theme tune: humble beginnings for Mr Leitch, it has to be said!
If you’ve read this far, you’re probably expecting me to conclude that the game is a pile of old rubbish and not worth your time and effort. It’s distinctly average to be sure, but It may come as a surprise to you that, despite the various problems, I have played worse than this and there might be some appeal for younger audiences. Kids have an amazing capacity to learn and overcome challenges, so they’ll probably get to grips with the truculent controls far quicker than I did.
Although the game is by no means a masterpiece, it is reasonably faithful to it’s source material and it does possess a certain charm. If you can put up with the slippery controls then Postman Pat might help you while away an hour or two on a rainy afternoon.